I wrote this conversation with my Google Home last week when we both still had a sense of humor. Wish I hadn’t smashed it with a hammer – didn’t know I’d be in desperate need of conversation!

Hey Google: What is the weather today? The weather is cloudy with a high chance of virus.

Well, I have to brave the food stores in search of garlic and toilet paper, so I guess I’ll substitute a mask for an umbrella.

Hey Google: What kind of mask will protect me from contracting the Coronavirus? A face mask will not protect you from the virus. And good luck finding one – they are very trendy and all sold out due to hoarding. Even for health care providers. Perhaps I can suggest an anti-stress facial mask from Sephora, but you’ll have to order it online, they are closed.

Hey Google: I’ve been to every CVS, Rite Aid and Walgreens in a 10-block radius for a precious bottle of hand sanitizer. Will alcohol work just as well? Yes, you can substitute rubbing alcohol mixed with aloe vera gel, but drinking a shot of Tito’s might be way more beneficial at this point.

Hey Google: I had to cancel a trip to Florida for my father’s 95th birthday last week? Was that the right choice? Yes. It would be a danger for him and besides, the only thing worse than contracting the virus would be a 14-day quarantine in your parents’ Independent Living facility.

Hey Google: I’m worried about them… how do I check in and teach them to do a Zoom party? The only worse thing than the virus and getting stuck in Florida would be teaching your technologically disabled parents to learn Zoom.

Hey Google: Well now I’m worried about my sons too. Does quarantine at home mean they can’t come for dinner? Sorry, I don’t know what you mean. You want to cook and clean for two more people? If you are asking is it okay to social distance your children, don’t feel guilty, they have done it to you since they left for college.

Hey Google: Well, since we are home, my husband wants to watch March Madness. When is that? Every day this March Is Madness.

Hey Google: I meant when is the NCAA March Madness?Where have you been? NCAA March Madness has been cancelled. NBA games have been cancelled.MLB is ceasing play. NHL games have been suspended. Olympics have been postponed. Life as we know it has been cancelled, postponed, disappeared…

Hey Google: What the heck?! I’M GOING TO DISNEYWORLD! DisneyWorld is closed. I know. I was kidding. It was a sports reference. Now I don’t feel great and I’m actually getting worried.

Hey Google: What are the symptoms of Coronavirus?….NO RESPONSE

Hey Google: What are the symptoms of Covid-19?……. NO RESPONSE

Hey Google: Why aren’t you responding? Sorry, I don’t want to get a computer virus so I’m practicing social distancing. But the symptoms are a sore throat, fever, cough and chills.

Hey Google: What if I just have a mild fever and no cough? You may have the Corona-Lite virus.

Hey Google: Don’t be funny – this is serious. People are losing their jobs, their savings, their security and health. These are scary times. Do you think laughter is truly the best medicine? On the website Psychiatrictimes.com they say in the 1300s a professor of surgery propagated post-operative therapy with humor. Ok I’ll try that…

Hey Google: What are the funniest shows on Netflix? One website lists The Good Place, VEEP, and Atlanta as the three funniest shows on TV, but you might prefer the films Contagion, Pandemic, Outbreak or World War Z.

You’re stressing me out. And I’m so bored I already redid my closet and organized the food in my pantry. Hey Google: How many Weight Watcher points are in a bag of Trader Joe peanut butter pretzels and a sleeve of Thin Mints? Aren’t you depressed enough? They said “flatten the curve” not “fatten”.

Hey Google: Seriously, I’m 61, how worried should I be about my risks of Coronavirus? The outbreak poses health risks for everyone, but the elderly are particularly vulnerable.

Hey Google: At what age is a person considered elderly?According to a Marist college study of 1000 people under 41, the demarcation for old age is 61. Do you want a little more context?

Hey Google: I DO NOT want more context. It’s bad enough to be in the midst of pandemic. I can handle days of isolation, I can deal with the world falling apart and your dumb sense of humor. I can adjust to living in a sports bra and coloring my own hair. But calling me old, ancient, a senior citizen – that just put me over the edge. Speaking of being unwell, you’re health is at risk. I’m pulling the plug on you.

Hey Google : TURN OFF